Balance

This morning I lie awake in bed, letting my thoughts wander and drift in between the 9-minute increments of the sleep function on my alarm clock. And what my thoughts ultimately drifted to was a topic I’ve been contemplating for a bit now. Balance. Good and bad. Ying and Yang. Black and white.

A year ago this weekend, I took a major step and told a friend I had more than friend feelings for him. Four months ago next week, I finally cut that man out of my life because it wasn’t healthy for me to be around him. Since then, I’ve done a 180, throwing off my goody-two-shoes tendencies and embracing the wild side I’d repressed (or tried hard to) for five long years in an effort to the be the kind of girl this man wanted. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I’ve done some things and made some decisions in the past four months that maybe haven’t been the best. But I’ve had damn fun doing them and, ultimately, I have learned from them. What I’ve learned is this: that, despite my bad-girl-swirl moments, I am a good girl. That my heart and my body cannot operate independently of each other and still allow me to feel good about, and at peace with, myself. That all things in moderation is good; overindulgence in moments of weakness leads to awkward moments and epic fails.

And I know that somehow, there is a balance between who I was attempting to be and who I truly am deep inside. What I need to do is stop trying to be someone I’m not. Stop trying to be the bad girl when I know that my heart will just get bruised. Stop trying to act like the goody-two-shoes when I’m really not. I need to let the woman inside me out. I need to be calm and still and listen to the voice inside me, my voice, telling me what I truly want and need. And recognize that sometimes, what I want in a moment and what is in my best interest might not be the same thing. In those moments, I need to be brave and in touch with myself and walk away.

Balance is manifesting itself in other areas of my life: work and school, volunteer and play/work-out time. I’m eating well and splurging every so often. Balance. It’s there, so close I can almost taste it. Just a few more steps…