that kind of girl

I’ve come to the realization that, although I try to profess otherwise, I really am not a bad girl. Neither am I the quintessential good girl. I’m definitely somewhere in between…a good girl with bad girl tendencies. Patty Loveless did a song some years back with the chorus:

“I ain’t the woman in red, I ain’t the girl next door, but if somewhere in the middle’s what you’re looking for, I’m that kind of girl.”

That’s me. I’m a fun-loving, playful, mischievous, sassy woman. I’m also giving, intelligent, introspective, opinionated, loving, moral, traditional, and relatively optimistic.

What brought this on, you ask? Easy. I’m re-evaluating the truths I have about myself. I’ve long held the thought: “I am who I am. Love it or leave it.” But now I’m really getting to know myself beyond the bravado. Who am I really? What do I stand for, what do I believe? What do I really want in life? I’m trying to figure this out in terms of me, not in terms of Cosmo magazine, chick flicks, or overreaching feminist rhetoric.

What have I come up with so far? I cherish marriage and family. I crave simplicity. I long to be educated and successful, but to frame those accomplishments in the context of simplicity. (In other words, I have no desire to climb corporate ladders, shatter the glass ceiling, or be a Fortune 500 CEO.) I trust easily and get hurt when that trust is betrayed. I am selfish. I am scared and scarred. I want to love and give but I’m fearful of rejection and pain. I am intelligent and need to apply that intellect in a productive manner. I need to center myself and focus and become more of the person I want to be. That I am not the tomboy I had always assumed. I love being a woman and embrace my femininity.

I enjoy looking pretty and doing my hair, taking bubble baths and painting my toes. I love the characteristics that come with being a woman: love, nurturing, sweetness, sensuality. I believe that if each woman embraced these qualities in themselves just a little more willingly, they’d be happier. Modern society, to a degree, has taught women that we should repress our inherent feminine qualities and try to be more like men: tough, strong, cocky. Well, in my opinion, women can be all those things without losing themselves. In fact, they should be. Women are strong and tough and diligent. We are the foundation upon which the rest of the world is built (because without women, men would not exist). We can be loving and giving but heaven help anyone who tries to manipulate or malign us.

Simply put, I can be (and am) both. I am the sinner and the saint. The angel and the devil. The Madonna and the whore.

Isn't every woman to some degree?