A New Day

After a rather tearful afternoon yesterday and venting to my best friend for over an hour on the phone, I determined that it is time to move on. I have a new home, why not change other things as well. I was prompted to this realization by a friend who I struggle with my feelings for (more than friends) who is doing the same. And I fear that, despite our deep friendship, he has finally begun to realize that I simply cannot be just friends with him because he gives me mixed signals and I tend to read too much into his words and actions. Whether or not his rearranging has anything to do with me, I need to let go and move on. For myself, for my sanity, for the sake of my other friendships. The time and energy I invest in my relationship with him needs to be spent otherwise.

Although I will always love him, I'm beginning to realize that I'm not in love with him. I pray that, in moments of weekness, I can overcome the urge to text, call, e-mail him and move on with my life. Despite knowing that he's not the one for me, that we wouldn't make a good couple, that I deserve to be loved and adored, I know I'll have moments where I become over dramatic and think we are meant to be together. Those are times I dread the most. I can handle everything else.

And so, I'm moving on to a new day. A new hope. I'm "freeing myself up for something better in the future". I know this man has played too big a part in my life to just up and forget, but I can move forward and let go of expectations. I know that he cares for me, deeply, as a friend. I know he enjoys our friendship. But that is the extent of his feelings. The ability to accept that and move on is what I am striving for now.

The happy ending to this five-year-long saga is truly this: Letting go.