simplicity.

I'm certain this isn't the first time I've ruminated on the subject of simplicity nor will it be the last. I've never been one to pursue the high-life and by that I mean the following: I have no desire to be a billionaire; no desire to be a CEO; no desire for great wealth and celebrity. That's not me. Sure, I wouldn't mind having enough money to have to not worry about it, but that will likely never happen.

In moments of honest introspection, I see myself in such a simple light. I want to live in the country, far removed from the rat race and the "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality. I want a family I can nurture. I want to write and have that writing published. I want to surround myself with love and laughter and books and a good day's work. And even as I write this I realize that I do surround myself with such things but not exactly in the way I imagine. I live in a one-bedroom apartment in the city. I'm single and childless. I have no one to come home to and share the day's frustrations and successes with. I have no one to cook for; no one to take care of. Some days I recognize this for the blessing it is: to be able to go where I want, when I want and do what I want. Other days I feel as if there is so much inside of me that is yearning to be given away.

Maybe the title of this post should have been loneliness.

Although I am not lonely. I have amazing friends who love me and make me happy. My parents are also pretty darn amazing. I have my career and my schooling and my hobbies and sports. But there is a hole that I believe only a husband and children can fill. Now, for all those who believe that 'we don't need a man to complete us', I agree. To an extent. I believe women can and should live their lives for themselves. Learn and experience and grow. Don't wait for a man to 'rescue' you. I'm not. I'm getting on with gettin' on. But I also recognize a very fundamental and natural desire to marry and have a family. Love is the greastest gift we have been given and I truly believe that, in the end, love is all that really matters.

So what does all this rambling mean? I'm not sure. Maybe it means that, for today, I'm a little tired of the status quo. Maybe it means that I need to work harder to bring my ideal life in concert with my acutal life. Maybe it means that I need to ignore what the world says I should want, what the world says I should be, and focus on what my true desires are.

And then maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to let go and become.