{the story of a girl}

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I'm certain this isn't the first time I've ruminated on the subject of simplicity nor will it be the last. I've never been one to pursue the high-life and by that I mean the following: I have no desire to be a billionaire; no desire to be a CEO; no desire for great wealth and celebrity. That's not me. Sure, I wouldn't mind having enough money to have to not worry about it, but that will likely never happen.

In moments of honest introspection, I see myself in such a simple light. I want to live in the country, far removed from the rat race and the "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality. I want a family I can nurture. I want to write and have that writing published. I want to surround myself with love and laughter and books and a good day's work. And even as I write this I realize that I do surround myself with such things but not exactly in the way I imagine. I live in a one-bedroom apartment in the city. I'm single and childless. I have no one to come home to and share the day's frustrations and successes with. I have no one to cook for; no one to take care of. Some days I recognize this for the blessing it is: to be able to go where I want, when I want and do what I want. Other days I feel as if there is so much inside of me that is yearning to be given away.

Maybe the title of this post should have been loneliness.

Although I am not lonely. I have amazing friends who love me and make me happy. My parents are also pretty darn amazing. I have my career and my schooling and my hobbies and sports. But there is a hole that I believe only a husband and children can fill. Now, for all those who believe that 'we don't need a man to complete us', I agree. To an extent. I believe women can and should live their lives for themselves. Learn and experience and grow. Don't wait for a man to 'rescue' you. I'm not. I'm getting on with gettin' on. But I also recognize a very fundamental and natural desire to marry and have a family. Love is the greastest gift we have been given and I truly believe that, in the end, love is all that really matters.

So what does all this rambling mean? I'm not sure. Maybe it means that, for today, I'm a little tired of the status quo. Maybe it means that I need to work harder to bring my ideal life in concert with my acutal life. Maybe it means that I need to ignore what the world says I should want, what the world says I should be, and focus on what my true desires are.

And then maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to let go and become.


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