walking the road alone

Every now and then I indulge in introspection. There is something about being able to delve into the deeper thoughts and then leave them behind that gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Today, the thoughts are not necessarily deep and Earth-moving, but this is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

I walk the road of life alone.

I realize that I have two amazing parents who love and adore me, as well as a best friend who considers me a sister, another very close friend with whom I often share the same brain, and a half dozen other close crazy people whom I consider family. But, when it's all said and done and the lights go down, all those people go home to their husbands, wives, each other. And I'm left to walk the road alone.

Maybe, just maybe, I decided long ago that this should be the way of my journey. I've always been fiercely independent and perhaps it has led to my being alone. Sometimes the mere thought of inviting another person (i.e. boyfriend, husband) into the perfectly ordered chaos of my life makes my feel dizzy and scared and a little bit sick. I give freely of myself, but it has always been under my own terms. The same goes for emotional intimacy- it has to be on my terms. Someone can know me for years and still only know the me I want them to know. Not that I try to be someone I'm not, just that I am so intensely private that the thought of opening up to people frightens me. I hate being vulnerable and leaving myself open.

And then there are the other moments, like now, where I wish I had someone else to go through this life with. When I signed the offer on the house, I was sad, wishing there were another set of initials next to mine on the contract. I had always assumed there would be. But, again, I am taking a huge step all on my own. And it's scary.

At the end of it all, I know I am loved. I know there are people out there who would go to great lengths for my happiness. But there is still an empty side of the bed. Maybe there always will be.