{infinite sadness}

There seems to be an infinite sadness that permeates my being. Thoughts and feelings collide to ebb and flow within my soul. Moments of levity are quickly replaced by a melancholy I can't quite seem to understand. A shared smile; a passing touch. Memories brought to the surface; boiling over until I can't ignore them. They demand my attention and drain me of energy.

He is in my dreams again. I fight sleep knowing I'll find him waiting for me there. And, for a few brief moments, all the barriers between us are shattered and nothing matters. Then morning comes, the harsh rays of sun waking me from a world I would live in forever. Sunlight hurts my eyes and heart and I long for darkness again. Darkness is my escape. A portal into another world created by the longing in my soul decorated with the memories and desires of a love written in the stars. A love I may never know. I've caught glimpses of it before. I've been teased with the seduction of sweet smiles and warm eyes; with the safety and bliss of a strong embrace. Enchanted with the laughter of a mind and humor much like mine. Yet fulfillment eludes me and I have to wonder why. Could it be that I am unworthy of the adoration I so desire? Am I incapable of immersing myself in another person? Has my past so destroyed my future that no dream can come true? I don't want to believe so. I want to believe in all that I dream.

But still...