{dealing}

So yeah, I'm dealing. I have my good days and I definitely have my bad. In dealing with this tragedy there has been no comfort that has come close to that of my religious beliefs...Knowing that L isn't gone forever and I will see him again. Knowing that he is in a far better place and understands so much more than we here on earth do. I find such peace in knowing he's "okay" and, knowing that, I know I will be "okay", too.

It still hurts. To drive down the street and see some guy on a bullet bike. To see someone that resembles him. I can laugh at him now when I remember all the funny moments between us (and there were plenty). I know I will carry him forever in my heart and I'm okay with that. I would still rather have him here in the flesh, but we can't always get what we want.

I know now more about the accident and, as horrifying as it was, it has given me more closure. I know I will follow the investigation and probably have more closure when it concludes. I've talked with others who knew him and it has brought me peace. There will be a haunted look in my eyes for a while yet to come. But, as with the other tragedy's in my life, this too will strengthen me and give me wisdom and understanding.

Sometimes, when I find myself laughing or feeling good, I will feel a tid-bit guilty. He's only been gone two weeks. How can I feel any levity? And then I remember what I was told when my brother passed away: he'd want me to be happy. To live life to it's fullest and, in doing so, it would be a tribute to him.

And that's what I'm going to do for L- be happy. Love. Laugh. Smile. Embrace all the beauty that surrounds me every day. Delight in the laughter of a child or the smell of a new born baby. Laugh with my friends and family. Enjoy the feel of the sun and wind on my face.

Live.