{the story of a girl}

Monday, September 08, 2008


As a general rule I try to avoid deep, introspective analysis here. After all, this is cyberspace and who knows what freaks may be perusing my blog looking for fodder for their devious schemes? However, in this case, I’m making the expectation.

Have you ever wanted something (actually, someone) so much that you couldn’t focus on anything else? Did that person consume your thoughts and time so completely that you began to wish them away? That’s where I am now. And, as much as I care for this person, I want this all to end. Fish or cut bait, to put it bluntly. Stop playing with my emotions. Stop sending me mixed signals. Figure out what you want and then tell me. Because I’ll be damned if I let this continue forever.

And then, I wonder to myself, do I really want him or do I just want him because I’ve cared for him so long that it just seems ‘natural’ to feel this way. A moments like this, I can easily surmise that my feelings fall in the latter category. I can make endless justifications as to why “we” don’t make sense; as to why “we” could never work. And then a look or a touch or a funny moment will occur and all those justifications fly out the proverbial window.

How have I let it come to this? I am not a girl who easily gets wrapped up in things like this. At least, I don’t think so. Normally I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I think with my head and my heart. I trust my instincts. But I feel as if my instincts have betrayed me; they are muddied. I can’t make heads or tails of much right now. In a sense I feel hallow and empty, adrift on a sea of maddening emotional upheaval (and dramatic prose- obviously).

How easy it would, and should, be to tell him how I feel and ask him what he feels for me. There is an enormous risk involved, yes. But I am, by nature, a risk-taker. At least when it comes to things other than my heart. I can dive off cliffs and jump from several stories with nothing but a cord to break my fall. I can carve out a life of my own hundreds of miles away from any family. But I can’t utter a simple sentence to a man I care deeply about. What is with that? How can I be so adventurous in some things and such a terrible coward in others?

Why can’t he just know how I feel and tell me how he feels in return? There will be no hurt…I’ve already assumed the worst and experienced the heartache that comes with it. It can’t get any worse than that with exception he turns out to be a complete jerk and is flippant and disrespectful of my feelings. But I truly don't think he would treat this situation in such a manner.

Please forgive my brief foray into introspection. I promise that tomorrow's post will be more of the inane, superficial fluff I usually post.


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