him & I

A few months ago, I did something I should have done a year ago but was too chicken to do. For a while, after this momentous achievement, my relationship with a certain someone seemed to be forever altered. Ruined, even. The silence spoke volumes. I would have preferred words; an acknowledgement of the confession of my feelings, even if his weren't the same. But silence was all I received.

Gradually, life began to return to normal. Weeks went by and our first contact was awkward but we moved past it. Things began to feel like before, with maybe just a slight edge. This past month or so, our friendship has seemed stronger than ever before.

But I'm still confused. And hurt. The more I dwell on our collective past, the more I realize that he should have had the respect and decency to address my feelings. Did he think I was going to try and convince him we belong to together? Did he think I would end it all if he didn't feel the same way? If so, then he really doesn't know me at all. I would never force or coerce someone into something they didn't want. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.

After seeing the guy for four days in a row, I'm convinced there is some point to our relationship. I'm not saying we are destined for a romantic path. If anything, I think that ship has sailed. But perhaps I'm meant to influence him in some small way. Or vice versa.

Whatever the ultimate purpose and destiny of our relationship, there are moments, such as now, when I wish that purpose would be fulfilled and I could move on. Because, truth be told, as long as he is single and in my life, he will be the "guy" in my life. That is very hard to explain because my romantic feelings for him have cooled so greatly, but it's true. I sometimes wonder if we are so comfortable with one another that "moving on" is a bit scary. Do you even move on from a friendship like ours? My mom said that maybe we are "soul mates" in the way that I am soul mates with some of my closest friends. And maybe we are. I know we are not romantic soul mates, but perhaps there is something each of us needs to learn from the other.

Even if it is only him learning to open my car door.

*Picture from photobucket.com.