Twenty Ten.

It's a little late, I know, but I couldn't lay 2009 to rest without capturing the essence of the year here, in my virtual journal.

My word for 2009 was Unwritten. I was inspired to choose it based on the Natasha Bedingfield song. I wanted to do as the song says, to live my life with arms wide open, to feel the rain on my skin, to write my own story. And I feel like I did all that, and more, last year.

I laid my heart wide open to someone whom I treasured deeply and had it rejected. Not once, but twice. In hindsight, I can see that every moment of that heartache and sorrow was exactly what I needed in order to put the past to rest. That man and I no longer speak or see each other. I deeply miss our friendship and truly wish things between us hadn't gone so wrong, but I couldn't live an illusion any longer. Letting go was the best thing possible. It opened me up to a world of possibilities.

I also purchased my first home. What an adventure that was! The stress, the stress, and, oh yeah, the stress. But I love my new home and couldn't be happier. Last NYE owning my own home was a dream...something far in the future. But I worked my butt off and made the dream come true.

I also started dating again. Not just "hanging out", but real, honest-to-goodness dating, where the guy comes and picks me up and pays. I've forgotten how nerve-racking dating can be as opposed to "hanging out". There is pressure with dating; expectations. However, I'd rather be dating than closing myself off to all the joy and happiness being in love brings. And it is interesting and therapeutic to learn about yourself in such situations. You determine what you will and won't tolerate or do. You discover what you truly desire in another person and what you may be willing to overlook. You solidify beliefs and values that perhaps had gone untested for a time. You learn to let others in and realize that not every relationship needs to be "the one."

Add to this furloughs, a soft tissue shoulder tear (that's been a pain the rear), some fun trips with friends and to see friends, completing four more classes towards my degree, receiving an anonymous valentine that stills drives me crazy and struggling with my religious beliefs and it has been an eventful year.

So what did I learn in 2009? I learned that I am strong and resilient. That I can take a whole lot of heartache and overcome it. That sometimes we have to let go in order to move on. I've also learned that I have issues to deal with and have enlisted the necessary help to do so. I've learned who my true friends are and cut ties with those who were weighing me down. I also began the process of rediscovering my inner-beauty. Began to believe that I am beautiful and amazing just the way I am. That I control my life and that I can no longer close off my heart and soul for fear of being hurt. I am going to get hurt. That's life. But I am, and always have been, strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way.

And where does that leave me for 2010? What am I resolving?

Nothing.

I recently read a quote that said, "Don't resolve. Evolve."

And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to leave behind the scared and scarred little girl that cowered in the corner because every time she ventured out life threw her a curve ball. After one to many curve balls, she figured it was safer to just hide in the corner. And safe can be such an ugly word.

I am going to evolve into the beautiful, graceful, wise, witty, loving, magical, lovely, enchanting woman I know I have been hiding from these past four years. The woman I believe myself to be in moments when I conquer the fear and embrace who I am, where I come from, and where I can go. I know there will be moments of fear, and doubt, and sorrow and that is okay. There always will be. But there are just moments. And moments pass.

All this brings me to my word for 2010: BRAVE. I am going to brave and face the world head on. I am going to be exactly who I am and not apologize. I can be old-fashioned and traditional and outlandish and unconventional all at the same time. Because that is who I am. I will be BRAVE and open my heart. I will be BRAVE and take chances. I will be BRAVE and live life on my own terms.

After all, being safe rarely gets you anywhere. Being BRAVE opens up a world of possibility.