{the story of a girl}

Monday, November 30, 2009

Broken

I'm broken. I've been this way for a while but the reality of what it means to be broken is catching up to me. Day in and day out, I've been numb...putting on a show. I laugh and smile and go about my day, but I have no emotion. This past week with my family I began to feel again and it hurt like hell. In a heart-to-heart with my father, he pointed out that I am bitter and making life difficult for those around me (especially guys). He also said what everyone else thinks shouldn't matter- I am who I am. When I told him I just "give up", he responded with, "That's not what a Manning does." So simple. So true.

And yet and I can't remember how to open up and give anymore. I'm selfish and stubborn and so very closed off. The fear of letting anyone in, even a little, makes me seal myself shut faster than a plate of cookies disappears at a Weight Watcher's meeting. I want to love again but the fear of losing someone else makes me almost sick to my stomach.

What it boils down to is that I'm broken and damaged. And maybe I really do need more help than the mall or a pint of ice cream can offer.

3 Comments:

Blogger Nikki, Cristy, and Codi said...

It takes time to feel again. Believe me. Just take your time. You're dad's totally right...you're a Manning and you don't give up. Baby steps. You've been outside your comfort zone. Yay for you. It's a step forward..in a positive direction. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep living each day. Every day gets a little easier. Keep looking at all the positives in your life...like ME!!! I love ya girly. You're gonna be just fine. Cowgirl up and keep doing your thing.

8:47 PM

 
Blogger Something's Missing said...

I've been broken before...very broken...you can recover, it just takes time, and faith, and sometimes it takes blind faith, but you can recover. Hang in there!!

2:55 AM

 
Blogger ~**Dawn**~ said...

I'm going to reiterate what Something's Missing said: You can get past it & you can love, trust, feel again. You can't force it & it happens slowly. But you will. Just be kind to yourself & give it time. I've been there too--hollow and broken and numb. I thought that was it for me, that I would be that way forever. The right person will find a way in, without any effort on your part, and heal all the places that have been damaged & hurt, no matter what those scars are.

11:44 AM

 

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