{stupid girl}

Lately I've been experiencing these twisted moments of anger and rudeness. I don't mean to be rude. I don't mean to lash out at others and hurt them. But I do, almost before I know it. Last night I was incredibly mean to a friend and I know I offended him. I took full responsibility for my words and actions and apologized. He didn't seem very willing to accept my apology. That stung. I suppose I expect people to forgive me instantaneously, and that just does not happen.

Why am I so inconsiderate at times? Why do I hurt others? What can I do to stop? These are the questions that have been rolling around in my little brain since last night. As macabre as it may seem, I almost wish I could go back to right after L's accident. I felt so raw and vulnerable then. I needed people close to me and let them in. I was soft around the edges; kinder, more considerate. It seems as if, as time heals, my heart also seems to be sealing shut again. I don't want that. I want to be open and loving. I want to give of myself and make others feel good about themselves.

But how?