Totally Ticked Off

I have gained five pounds in the last two weeks. Looking back, I can see why. I start each day committed to eating well and exercising and I usually do pretty good through breakfast. By lunch, however, I am so stressed that I need to get out of the building and eat comfort food which, lately, has been In N Out. I confess that I've eaten In N Out at least twice a week for the past three-four weeks. This is bad. Very bad. Add to that the fact that I drive to different In N Out burger locations so I don't see the same people twice in a week. That is just sick. It actually reminds me of stories I've seen on people with eating disorders who lie about their food intake and are in complete denial. I'm not in denial but I just don't know how to stop.

I realize that I'm an emotional eater...I have been all my life and probably always will be. I can have a fridge bursting with good foods- fruits, veggies, salads, yogurt, etc.- and I will still go get something gross. Which is funny because, with the exception of In N Out, I really don't like fast food. I feel gross eating it and I feel disgusting afterward. Yet, I can't stop.

What is even more curious is that, four years ago, I lost 70 pounds in a year simply by eating well and exercising. I didn't deprive myself- if I wanted something, I ate it. In moderation. But now I just can't seem to get with the program. No amount of willpower seems to be working.

What, besides gaining five pounds when I'm trying to lose weight, does all this mean? It means I am out of control and I absolutely abhor that feeling. I have to have complete control over myself at all times. Granted, I'm crazy and wild and sometimes stupid, but I am always in control. But not lately and that is more upsetting than I can possibly express. And yes, I totally hate myself right now.