blonde, brown, or black

Here I am blonde, brunette, and chocolate. I had decided to go back blonde, my natural color, but now that I see the three colors side-by-side, I think I like the middle brown/red color. The dark is just too expensive to keep up ($100 every six weeks) and a lighter color would be better for spring/summer when I'm outside so much.

Opinions? Thoughts?

Typography at Target

Even Target is jumping on the typography bandwagon. Not that I'm complaining, of course. Check out the latest dinnerware for Valentine's day. Bought a few pieces last night because it just makes me smile. I would be smiling even bigger if I had someone to serve breakfast in bed to on this adorable plate. [wink, wink]

Love or Something Like It

Despite all my cast-iron bitch bravado, I truly believe in (and long for) true love. I found this on a great blog I read, be-splendid. The blog is a must read and this...this I could have written myself.

“If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left...but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your mom comes by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a savior, a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent.”

So the ferris wheel treasure in the picture below is going back. I had it in mind for a specific spot in my bachlorette bad and it doesn't look good there AT ALL. And it was entirely too expensive (even being half price at anthro) for me to just "find a place" for. But now I know that it doesn't look good and I won't always wonder "what if."

And I hate "what ifs."

Dedication

Despite the record amounts of rain that hit the Valley last night and 70 mph winds, I had to stop at Anthropologie and pick up my treasure that was on hold. That, truly, is dedication. Or stupidity...depends on how you look at it.

Have books, will travel

Check it out here. A seriously cute, repurposed Airstream trailor that is now a bookmobile. Too bad my parents sold their old Airstream...I could totally see my father and I "borrowing" this idea for my personal library.

Don't make me shush you...

As is my standard practice at the outset of each semester, I printed my DARS to determine just how close I am to graduating. Except, I forgot to do it last semester. And the one before that. Hmm... perhaps I should state that is my ideal standard practice.

But I digress.

In addition to my DARS, I ran an unmet audit and read it first. It made my day. Why? Because I only need 30 hours until I graduate. 30 HOURS. That is 10 classes. If I quit my job and did nothing else for two semesters, that would put me graduating in December of this year. However, quitting my job and giving up my life are not options. Therefore, I'm looking at graduating in spring of 2012. When I am 35. That seems so far away but I take comfort in the fact that I could be 35 with a degree, or 35 without a degree. I'll take with a degree.

And all this lead me to the realization that I need to start thinking seriously about grad school. If I stay on task, I will be starting library school the fall of 2012. Which means I need to get busy and decide where I want to go. Of course, the iSchool at University of Washington is my first choice; has been from day one. However, if I continue my career at ASU, I will receive free tuition to the library science program at University of Arizona and be able to complete the program remotely. (And I just realized that at both schools I would be a Wildcat. Coincidence?)

Without a doubt, UofA is a more cost-efficient option. But, oh how I dream of the Pacific Northwest. This yearning led me to research grant and scholarship options. After all, I have a 3.6 GPA...there has to be something out there for me. Not so much. Seems as if the only aid available is to minority, under served, underprivileged populations. So basically because I'm Caucasian with a modest income and no children, I do not qualify for diddly. Yes, this is very opinionated. Yes, I believe that the aforementioned demographic groups should receive aid. But whatever happened to good ole fashioned scholarships for those students who excel in academics?

Maybe I should just apply to both and see what happens. The real point of this post is that grad school is only 2.5 years away. And becoming a full-fledged shusher (a.k.a. librarian) is only 4.5 years away.

And that makes me happy.

Ode to the Card Catalog

I love libraries. In high school, when other kids were volunteering as student aide in athletics or drama, I was always first to spend my free hour as a library aide. Oh, how I adored that! Well, except having to shoosh my fellow students; that was a bit awkward. I was enchanted with the entire process: receiving the books, applying library binding, entering them into the system, shelving them. I anxiously worked the circulation desk because I was dying to see what the other kids were checking out. Shelving the returned books was its own reward as I was free to explore the stacks.

But, by far, my favorite part was that mammoth piece of wood with little drawers and label holders. The card catalog. Oh, the card catalog! Gatekeeper of infinite wisdom! It was a source of true joy in my life.

Nowadays when I wander around libraries, I feel the stark and poignant absence of the card catalog. A black hole, if you will. I'm a traditionalist in many ways and being able to thumb through the cards and discover new treasures was one of them.

For years now, I've been on the look-out for my own card catalog, but every one I find is either entirely too much money or too far gone to salvage. There are reproductions out there, of course, but I want the real thing. If a genie were to grant me a wish for what piece of furniture I want most, it would be the card catalog. Antique. Dark oak, if possible. Can you imagine the stories such a piece would tell if it could talk?

Yes, I realize this post broadcasts my geekdom. I'm okay with that.

Photo from Karen Russell's blog.

Interesting tidbit? I, too, have a vintage carousel of old stamps (from a debunk Florida newspaper) and the postcard stand. I do adore Karen's taste!

Image from Poetic Home.

This & That

This positive thinking stuff is HARD sometimes.

That picture above? That would be my parents and me on Christmas Eve. We were "bored" so we decided to hang around the mall for a bit and make fun of all the last-minute shoppers. Good times. Even better when we decided to squeeze into a tiny photo booth and have our pictures taken. If you look closely, you can see the tears running down my face in the last picture from laughing so hard. I love my parents.

The Power of the Mind

I recently underwent a hypnosis session to assist me with my weight loss goals. For all my longing and desperation to lose weight, I do not want to start one of the popular diets that have me eating 500 calories a day, injecting myself with hormones, or eliminating all carbs. I've tried that before and, while it worked for a bit, ultimately I couldn't continue and I reverted to my old habits.

While hypnosis isn't a magic wand, I am certainly open to the possibility. The mind is very powerful, as are our thoughts. Thinking negative thoughts invites negativity and discord into our lives, just as positive thinking will invite positive experiences and happiness. That's not to say that if we always think positive that nothing bad or challenging will ever happen. This is life. It's not perfect. Challenges and pain and sorrow are part of the journey. But it is how we think about and deal with everyday life that determines whether our journey is pleasant and fruitful, or wrought with peril and sadness.

I am choosing the positive. For a little over a month I've been working on banishing negative thoughts, especially about my body, and replacing them with positive, nourishing thoughts. And it's working. I can feel it in the way I approach my day, in the way I always have a little smile on my face, in the way I feel about food. The hypnotherapy is another tool that seems to be working so far. Little changes are manifesting themselves in my life: my craving for healthier foods, my lack of desire to snack or eat out or consume junk food. I also want to exercise and am able to overcome the little excuses I come up with for not.

This all adds up to losing 3.5 pounds in the last 5 days. And that makes me happy. Happy that I am taking control of the issue. Happy that I am seeing positive changes. Happy that I am heading down a path to becoming my ideal self. And amidst this, I am working on my other issues that perhaps had me gaining weight in the first place. My struggle with weight has truly been all mental and emotional, as I think most people's must be. By learning to rethink my relationship with food, to become aware of my body, I am taking back control.

There is a list of things in my mind that I would do if I was slender enough, fit enough. Those things have now become awards for me along my journey. I'm not there yet. I still, to a degree, think I will feel better, love myself more, when I reach my goal weight. Little steps. Learning to love me, in the here and now, is what I am working on. As I do that, the weight, and the reasons for it, will melt away.

It is not perfection. It is hope.

Monday

* Waking up this morning (to an alarm clock and before 8:30 a.m.) was not pleasant. I've been spoiled the past two weeks not having anywhere to be (with the exception of two flights and a doctor's appt.). It's currently 2:45 p.m. and my body is wondering why it hasn't napped yet and why I've still not fed it a Dr. Pepper (I'm giving up caffeine...well, daily anyway). Needless to say, I'm not very happy with myself.

* The Steelers are officially out of the play-offs. It's been a rough season and my father and I have spent many hours either yelling at the TV or dissecting the disappointment that was the 09 Steelers. We'll get 'em next year.

* I am going to have to plan better for the afternoon munchies that hit about an hour after lunch each day. Why is it that, on days when I am NOT in the office, I eat only once a day, late in the afternoon. Yet when I'm riding a desk for 8 hours, I'm incessantly grazing?

* There are two weeks before Spring semester begins and I'm determined to spend as much free time as possible reading my way through the stack of books on my nightstand. Oh, how I love reading!

* Looking forward to several movies being relased in the coming few weeks: Daybreakers, Legion, Shutter Island. I'm sensing a theme here, are you?

* Trying to remember every moment that the things I wish to change about myself didn't occur over night nor are they going to change that quickly. Here's to patience.

Twenty Ten.

It's a little late, I know, but I couldn't lay 2009 to rest without capturing the essence of the year here, in my virtual journal.

My word for 2009 was Unwritten. I was inspired to choose it based on the Natasha Bedingfield song. I wanted to do as the song says, to live my life with arms wide open, to feel the rain on my skin, to write my own story. And I feel like I did all that, and more, last year.

I laid my heart wide open to someone whom I treasured deeply and had it rejected. Not once, but twice. In hindsight, I can see that every moment of that heartache and sorrow was exactly what I needed in order to put the past to rest. That man and I no longer speak or see each other. I deeply miss our friendship and truly wish things between us hadn't gone so wrong, but I couldn't live an illusion any longer. Letting go was the best thing possible. It opened me up to a world of possibilities.

I also purchased my first home. What an adventure that was! The stress, the stress, and, oh yeah, the stress. But I love my new home and couldn't be happier. Last NYE owning my own home was a dream...something far in the future. But I worked my butt off and made the dream come true.

I also started dating again. Not just "hanging out", but real, honest-to-goodness dating, where the guy comes and picks me up and pays. I've forgotten how nerve-racking dating can be as opposed to "hanging out". There is pressure with dating; expectations. However, I'd rather be dating than closing myself off to all the joy and happiness being in love brings. And it is interesting and therapeutic to learn about yourself in such situations. You determine what you will and won't tolerate or do. You discover what you truly desire in another person and what you may be willing to overlook. You solidify beliefs and values that perhaps had gone untested for a time. You learn to let others in and realize that not every relationship needs to be "the one."

Add to this furloughs, a soft tissue shoulder tear (that's been a pain the rear), some fun trips with friends and to see friends, completing four more classes towards my degree, receiving an anonymous valentine that stills drives me crazy and struggling with my religious beliefs and it has been an eventful year.

So what did I learn in 2009? I learned that I am strong and resilient. That I can take a whole lot of heartache and overcome it. That sometimes we have to let go in order to move on. I've also learned that I have issues to deal with and have enlisted the necessary help to do so. I've learned who my true friends are and cut ties with those who were weighing me down. I also began the process of rediscovering my inner-beauty. Began to believe that I am beautiful and amazing just the way I am. That I control my life and that I can no longer close off my heart and soul for fear of being hurt. I am going to get hurt. That's life. But I am, and always have been, strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way.

And where does that leave me for 2010? What am I resolving?

Nothing.

I recently read a quote that said, "Don't resolve. Evolve."

And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to leave behind the scared and scarred little girl that cowered in the corner because every time she ventured out life threw her a curve ball. After one to many curve balls, she figured it was safer to just hide in the corner. And safe can be such an ugly word.

I am going to evolve into the beautiful, graceful, wise, witty, loving, magical, lovely, enchanting woman I know I have been hiding from these past four years. The woman I believe myself to be in moments when I conquer the fear and embrace who I am, where I come from, and where I can go. I know there will be moments of fear, and doubt, and sorrow and that is okay. There always will be. But there are just moments. And moments pass.

All this brings me to my word for 2010: BRAVE. I am going to brave and face the world head on. I am going to be exactly who I am and not apologize. I can be old-fashioned and traditional and outlandish and unconventional all at the same time. Because that is who I am. I will be BRAVE and open my heart. I will be BRAVE and take chances. I will be BRAVE and live life on my own terms.

After all, being safe rarely gets you anywhere. Being BRAVE opens up a world of possibility.