"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe

Lately I've been vacillating between extremes: happy and sad; brave and terrified; calm and angry. Things are good, but not great. Of course, life is never always great and we find happiness when we can look at the world around us and be content and see the good. I see the good...really, I do. But at times I'm so acutely aware of the love and companionship I am missing in my life it makes my heart ache. And try as I might, that loneliness, that hole, is not something I can fix.

There is always hope, of course. Hope that someday someone will walk into my life and make all this waiting and wondering and loneliness worth it. But as the years go by the hope fades. For refusing to believe I'm 34, some days I surely feel that way. I feel old. I feel as if I missed out somewhere. As if I've been wishing on someone else's star.

The good things are falling apart but better things aren't coming together.

Taking Inventory

It's been entirely too long since I:

• Wrote something besides a blog entry, Facebook status update, or work e-mail.
• Practiced the guitar.
• Made a card or other crafty item.
• Played with my sweet, cuddly "nephew."
• Colored.
• Danced around the house.
• Looked in the mirror and realized how beautiful I truly am.
• Thanked someone for being just who they are.
• Cashed in all the money in my "change jar" and spent it on something entirely frivolous.
• Prayed.
• Struck up conversation with a complete stranger.
• Wished on a star.
  

Feeling a bit disconnected lately. Perhaps it stems from trying to be something, or someone, other than I am. Maybe I've become so intent on facing my fears that I am ignoring that voice inside me that is trying to tell me to slow down and listen to my heart. But how does one differentiate between fear and true feeling? It used to be easy for me but now I'm just not sure. Is this what I really want or I am just so tired of fighting the same old battle that I'm willing to give in? I do know that true harmony and balance comes as our actions mirror our deepest held beliefs and values.

I know who I am. I know what I believe. I know what I want. So why, at this moment in time, am I wavering in those beliefs? Why am I finding it so hard to let go? Or am I compromising instead of letting go? Is there any good that can truly come from this situation? Or am I setting myself up for more heartache?

How does someone step out of their comfort zone and still hold on to their beliefs, their values? How do you challenge yourself without compromising what it is you truly hold dear?

just breathe

That's what this very cool guy at Club Tattoo told me as he was about to stick a needle through my nose.

A needle that looked like this:

And when it was all said and done, I looked like this.

I love it. Something I've wanted to do for the longest time and finally just cowgirled-up and got the job done.