Broken

I'm broken. I've been this way for a while but the reality of what it means to be broken is catching up to me. Day in and day out, I've been numb...putting on a show. I laugh and smile and go about my day, but I have no emotion. This past week with my family I began to feel again and it hurt like hell. In a heart-to-heart with my father, he pointed out that I am bitter and making life difficult for those around me (especially guys). He also said what everyone else thinks shouldn't matter- I am who I am. When I told him I just "give up", he responded with, "That's not what a Manning does." So simple. So true.

And yet and I can't remember how to open up and give anymore. I'm selfish and stubborn and so very closed off. The fear of letting anyone in, even a little, makes me seal myself shut faster than a plate of cookies disappears at a Weight Watcher's meeting. I want to love again but the fear of losing someone else makes me almost sick to my stomach.

What it boils down to is that I'm broken and damaged. And maybe I really do need more help than the mall or a pint of ice cream can offer.

the Christmas list

I'm 33 and haven't lived in the same state with my parents for 13 years. Yet every year they ask for a Christmas list. Secretly, I love it. There are always little things I want but just never get around to buying and they end up on my Christmas list. One year, I created a PowerPoint presentation, complete with links and pictures. Another year I actually wrote out my Christmas list in red crayon and mailed it in a Christmas-ey envelope. It reminds me of being a kid and the magic and anticipation of Christmas.

This year, Santa received a simple e-mail. And it contained:

Sheryl Crow Tuesday Night Music Club Deluxe Edition

Anthropologie Printer's Letter Stand

Fossil Key Charm Necklace

The Farm Chicks in the Kitchen cookbook

Now if I can just get my mother and father to give ideas as to what they would like for Christmas, the shopping can begin.

leaving normal

Last night I made a decision that is definitely going to have me leaving normal. My normal, anyway. I'm nervous and excited and a little sick to my stomach, but I know I need this change. I need to leave behind the past five years and move forward to something better. And granted, this choice isn't going to be the end all, be all of my life, but it's what I need right now.

(I the above picture is one I recently purchased for my bedroom from Kelly Ann Studios. Check out her site. Very talented gal!)

Retail Therapy

J-Izzle and I went to Bliss Fest in downtown Mesa on Saturday. It was pretty cool. I fell in love with jewelry by Beth Quinn Designs (the necklace and matching earrings in the picture below); was inspired to make a paper chain out of old book pages, and; ate the best nachos I've ever had at Mangos.

Then we went to Anthropologie where I couldn't resist purchasing a mercury vase for my make-up brushes. THEN on to Chandler mall where the star earrings at Fossil called my name. Actually, they shouted and pouted and cried so much when I left them in the store that I had to stop back by and pick them up on our way out. I also remembered just how much I HATE shopping on weekends. Ugh.

weekend in pictures