{the story of a girl}

Monday, March 30, 2009

walking the road alone

Every now and then I indulge in introspection. There is something about being able to delve into the deeper thoughts and then leave them behind that gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Today, the thoughts are not necessarily deep and Earth-moving, but this is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

I walk the road of life alone.

I realize that I have two amazing parents who love and adore me, as well as a best friend who considers me a sister, another very close friend with whom I often share the same brain, and a half dozen other close crazy people whom I consider family. But, when it's all said and done and the lights go down, all those people go home to their husbands, wives, each other. And I'm left to walk the road alone.

Maybe, just maybe, I decided long ago that this should be the way of my journey. I've always been fiercely independent and perhaps it has led to my being alone. Sometimes the mere thought of inviting another person (i.e. boyfriend, husband) into the perfectly ordered chaos of my life makes my feel dizzy and scared and a little bit sick. I give freely of myself, but it has always been under my own terms. The same goes for emotional intimacy- it has to be on my terms. Someone can know me for years and still only know the me I want them to know. Not that I try to be someone I'm not, just that I am so intensely private that the thought of opening up to people frightens me. I hate being vulnerable and leaving myself open.

And then there are the other moments, like now, where I wish I had someone else to go through this life with. When I signed the offer on the house, I was sad, wishing there were another set of initials next to mine on the contract. I had always assumed there would be. But, again, I am taking a huge step all on my own. And it's scary.

At the end of it all, I know I am loved. I know there are people out there who would go to great lengths for my happiness. But there is still an empty side of the bed. Maybe there always will be.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Where the Wild Things Are

For as long as I can remember, I have loved this book. I have the miniature stuffed animals, t-shirts, notepads, stamps- you name it, I've probably got it. (And if I don't I'll need to get it.)

As a little act of charity from the universe, there was a new trailer for the movie released today. It makes me smile to know that soon I will be able to see my childhood favorite on the big screen.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


There is so much going on in my life right now, but I really have no desire to blog about it. I'm completely overwhelmed and have spent the last week and half alternating between between happiness and sadness, joy and grief. I'm scared and nervous and pissed off. I've had a headache since last Monday, have lost about four pounds and have rarely slept. Hopefully life will even out soon. Until then, I'll just keep soldiering on.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pearl Harbor

Watched Pearl Harbor this weekend. Forgot how much I love this movie. And Josh Hartnett.

Well, hello Josh...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Totally Ticked Off

I have gained five pounds in the last two weeks. Looking back, I can see why. I start each day committed to eating well and exercising and I usually do pretty good through breakfast. By lunch, however, I am so stressed that I need to get out of the building and eat comfort food which, lately, has been In N Out. I confess that I've eaten In N Out at least twice a week for the past three-four weeks. This is bad. Very bad. Add to that the fact that I drive to different In N Out burger locations so I don't see the same people twice in a week. That is just sick. It actually reminds me of stories I've seen on people with eating disorders who lie about their food intake and are in complete denial. I'm not in denial but I just don't know how to stop.

I realize that I'm an emotional eater...I have been all my life and probably always will be. I can have a fridge bursting with good foods- fruits, veggies, salads, yogurt, etc.- and I will still go get something gross. Which is funny because, with the exception of In N Out, I really don't like fast food. I feel gross eating it and I feel disgusting afterward. Yet, I can't stop.

What is even more curious is that, four years ago, I lost 70 pounds in a year simply by eating well and exercising. I didn't deprive myself- if I wanted something, I ate it. In moderation. But now I just can't seem to get with the program. No amount of willpower seems to be working.

What, besides gaining five pounds when I'm trying to lose weight, does all this mean? It means I am out of control and I absolutely abhor that feeling. I have to have complete control over myself at all times. Granted, I'm crazy and wild and sometimes stupid, but I am always in control. But not lately and that is more upsetting than I can possibly express. And yes, I totally hate myself right now.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of Lockdown by Traci Hunter Abramson in my local (or my parent's local) bookstore. If you like LDS fiction and you've not read any of Abramson's novels, do yourself a favor and get them. Start with Undercurrents, Ripple Effect, and The Deep End. Then move onto Royal Target. After you've finished with those four (if you are anything like me it will take you two days) pick up Freefall and Lockdown and read them in that order. The last two aren't a series as the first three are, but they share the same characters. Royal Target is an indpendent novel- no sequel has been published.

I have to say, Freefall is my favorite so far although they are all excellent books.

Last night as I was packing for my trip, I thought again how stinking cute my luggage is. Love it. And I love the name of it, too: Ocean Plaid. Nice.

I heard Katy Perry's Hot N Cold for the first time yesterday and had to download it immediately. Now it's running through my head non-stop.

I really, really hate the scale. It says I've gained 5 pounds. I swear, I just might give up and accept being fat.

All school work has been completed until after Spring Break. Now I can start in on all the non-school books that have been anxiously awaiting this moment.

My Billabong patchwork purse and wallet are just about worn out but I can't find a replacement anywhere. :(

I only have 13 classes until I am done with my degree. I really didn't think I was that close but I'll take it. I just registered for summer and fall. My classes? Women in US History, American Foreign Policy, Buddhism, Crime and Violence in American Media, and Sports Psychology. I love my major.

On my way into work today I passed an orange grove and had to roll the windows down. Two of my absolute favorite scents are so prominent right now: orange blossoms and creosote. Yum!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Navy SEALs Fitness Challenge

Remember my dream about being married to SEAL? Imagine my delight at the irony that the Navy SEAL Fitness Challenge is being advertised around campus and will be held at the SRC on March 14th. Some things are just meant to be.

Civilian Observer

What do you get when you put together a police officer and citizen who have been good friends for 13 years and have a "no holds barred" philosophy to their friendship for a 10-hour ride along? The answer would be:

  1. A drive-by Cracker Jacking
  2. A belching contest
  3. A heated debate about the darkness of The Dark Knight and how Batman is not supposed to be so dark and whether Michael Keaton or Christian Bale was the better Batman
  4. Me playing nursemaid by opening pill packets and tissue boxes for the sick officer
  5. Lots reminiscing and insults that made me glad conversations in police cruisers aren't recorded

We had a bit of the curse of the rider, but that all blew out by about 6pm when we got back to back calls. And at 7:30PM, we were first on scene to a male who tried to climb back into a third story apartment he had been locked out of by an angry girlfriend. The man then fell three stories and landed on his face. When we arrived, by-standers had been instructed by 911 to turn the man onto his side and stabilize his head. I was amazed at how unaffected I was by the pools of blood and all the chaos. I simply stood out of the way and watched the scene unfold. There were some other issues going on and I was able to shadow the officer as he cleared the apartment and interviewed witnesses.

It was an amazing experience and I was very thankful and grateful not only for what material comforts I enjoy, but also for my intelligence, my health, my self-respect (that was a new one to me...I had never really thought of self-respect as being a gift before), etc. After that day I felt like, despite my shortcomings, I really have my act together.

In closing, I would just like to say that it absolutely must be a requirement for 95% of cops and fire fighters/EMTs to be hot. And I have to say I'm okay with that rule...

ETA: I wanted to add a couple of additional observations/facts about my "observation":

  1. I would rather be heavy as I am and be healthy, smart, and happy than be a 100 pound tweeker who can't support herself and has no intelligence.
  2. I am never, ever going to leave my apartment messy again lest something happen to me or around my place and the police/EMTs need to access my apartment.
  3. Yes, I did wear pretty matching underwear and bra for my ride along. I figured the chances of me needing medical assistance to the point of having my clothes cut off were slim, but you never know and the last thing I wanted was to showoff my non-matching lingerie.