What I'm Searching For

* Beach skirts. Flippy, knee-length, colorful beach skirts.

* A big piece of driftwood that I can polish and hang on my wall.

* Lollia petite hand cremes.

* Purple and aqua shower curtain.

The Path

The realization that I could very well spend the rest of my life alone is sinking in and the ramifications of that conclusion are plentiful. There are the 'good': (I can do whatever I want in life); the 'bad': (I will always be alone with no one will take care of me when I'm sick); and the 'ugly': (I have to take out the garbage myself- forever!). For now, I am focusing on the 'good.'

I set the course I am currently on some years ago. A career and school. I'm working hard to obtain my undergrad and focusing on grad school for library science. But lately I've been rethinking that course. It would be silly to quit now when I am SO CLOSE to being done with my bachelors and I really won't do so. But grad school is a different story. I'll be 35 when I graduate with no husband, no kids, no real ties outside of the financial (house, debt, etc.). A little thought has taken root in my mind, thanks to random blogs and adventurous people in my life. "Why not explore and travel while I can?" For crying out loud, 35 is not THAT old. And I'm still young at heart.

So the new plan I'm considering is this:

1. Finish school. It's free. Having a bachelors degree is good.


2. Work on eliminating as much debt as I can (pretty close except for student loans from the first try at college).


3. Keep the Beetle instead of trading it in and pay it off.

Then, in two years, I will graduate, sell the condo, take the equity and pay off what is left of my debt. Move to a Caribbean island, live in a hut (or even a trailer) on the beach. Teach English to the locals, waitress at a bar, whatever. Learn to scuba dive. (Yes, I have an intense, irrational fear of open water. I will just have to get over that.) Live on island time.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Whatever.

It.

TAKES.

rain

I love the rain. There is just something so romantic about it. I love the dark, melancholy atmosphere that accompany rainy days; love the fact that water is falling from the sky and washing away the impurities of the earth and making everything sparkle. Yes, I could wax poetic about my love of rain for quite some time. This deep love affair is one reason the iSchool at University of Washington is my first choice for grad school. Although, I must confess, the thought of going weeks without sunlight frightens me a bit.

Rainy days also make me remember the sadder things in my life. For example, Saturday night I had a dream about the boy I recently "broke up" with. (No, we weren't ever truly dating but it was a deep friendship, spanning years, that ended and so I use the term 'broke up'.) I awoke yesterday morning with an incredibly heavy heart and missing that man so much I thought I would shatter. I sent my best friend a pleading text to remind me that everything was going to be okay. She confirmed that it would be and added that she was just thinking about that guy and how much she would like to hurt him. Now, I'm not one to encourage physical violence but it touched me that someone (my BF in this case) cared about me so deeply that she would want to hurt someone who had hurt me. Twisted, I know. But heartwarming in its own macabre way.

I had thought my sadness would pass with the rain, but it's raining again today. And I'm fine with that. I know this is just a momentary sadness and that I will be just fine. Sometimes we just need to wallow a bit and let the moments come. If we don't feel the rain, we'll never truly appreciate the sun.

loving the parents

My wonderful, fantastic parents were in town this past weekend and really helped out around the house. My father put together a bookcase and hung candle holders and pictures; my mother recovered a chair and a stool. And, together, they made these awesome angel wings for my for Valentine's Day. (Have I mentioned before that my parents are incredibly artistic and talented and I am saddened by the fact that I didn't inherit even an iota of their creativity?)I'd sent them a picture back before Christmas of the wings (I found them in a shop on Etsy but couldn't pay the $100 the artist was asking) and they replicated them for me. LOVE THEM...the wings and my folks.

The chair mom recovered.

life's a beach

About four years ago, I went through a "beach phase." Well, I'm always in some variation of beach-mode, but in the spring of 06, I was all about the beach. That spring I bought my Beetle, dreamt about spending the summer at Bella Beach, and came close to purchasing this quilt three or four times.

Today, I noticed that the quilt was $40 off at Pottery Barn Kids. So I bought it. No, it doesn't match my bedroom AT ALL, but sometimes you just need a little something to brighten the day, and this quilt definitely does that!

I was also lucky enough to score a replacement Billabong patchwork purse on e-Bay this weekend for only $20. I have worn mine out and was sad that Billabong no longer sold it. But, persistence does indeed pay off. Now, if I could just find a replacement wallet....

oh, leo

I have a date with my favorite wingwoman, Janna, to see this movie Friday. It will be an all-out lust-on-Leo fest. Ironically, I didn't like Leo in Growing Pains and his appeal only increased marginally in Titanic. Then came The Departed, Blood Diamond, and Body of Lies and I was hooked. The man's talent, and appeal, has improved with age.

I only hope this movie doesn't leave me rocking in a corner, chewing on my hair and praying for daylight. After all, the last scary movie I went to, I had a distraction for a couple of hours afterwards. I won't be so lucky this time around.

i'm going to disneyland

My parents are in town visiting and they surprised me this weekend with a trip to Disneyland. I love Disneyland. I love my parents.

We will be heading over Mar. 28 - Mar. 31 and staying at the Fairfield Inn across the street from Disneyland. It's not the Grand Californian (where we stayed last time) but, honestly, now that I've done the whole "stay at a Disney property" thing, I'm not sure I can jusitfy the expense. I can't wait to hit up all the rides in California Adventure (my favorite park), eat clam chowder on the wharf, ride Tower of Terror over and over and over. And I can't wait to see the fireworks at Disneyland and ride Pirates of the Caribbean and Space Mountain. I can't wait to eat Mickey-shaped rice krispie treats and lay by the pool of our hotel.

I. Am. So. Excited.

Can you tell?

that kind of girl

I’ve come to the realization that, although I try to profess otherwise, I really am not a bad girl. Neither am I the quintessential good girl. I’m definitely somewhere in between…a good girl with bad girl tendencies. Patty Loveless did a song some years back with the chorus:

“I ain’t the woman in red, I ain’t the girl next door, but if somewhere in the middle’s what you’re looking for, I’m that kind of girl.”

That’s me. I’m a fun-loving, playful, mischievous, sassy woman. I’m also giving, intelligent, introspective, opinionated, loving, moral, traditional, and relatively optimistic.

What brought this on, you ask? Easy. I’m re-evaluating the truths I have about myself. I’ve long held the thought: “I am who I am. Love it or leave it.” But now I’m really getting to know myself beyond the bravado. Who am I really? What do I stand for, what do I believe? What do I really want in life? I’m trying to figure this out in terms of me, not in terms of Cosmo magazine, chick flicks, or overreaching feminist rhetoric.

What have I come up with so far? I cherish marriage and family. I crave simplicity. I long to be educated and successful, but to frame those accomplishments in the context of simplicity. (In other words, I have no desire to climb corporate ladders, shatter the glass ceiling, or be a Fortune 500 CEO.) I trust easily and get hurt when that trust is betrayed. I am selfish. I am scared and scarred. I want to love and give but I’m fearful of rejection and pain. I am intelligent and need to apply that intellect in a productive manner. I need to center myself and focus and become more of the person I want to be. That I am not the tomboy I had always assumed. I love being a woman and embrace my femininity.

I enjoy looking pretty and doing my hair, taking bubble baths and painting my toes. I love the characteristics that come with being a woman: love, nurturing, sweetness, sensuality. I believe that if each woman embraced these qualities in themselves just a little more willingly, they’d be happier. Modern society, to a degree, has taught women that we should repress our inherent feminine qualities and try to be more like men: tough, strong, cocky. Well, in my opinion, women can be all those things without losing themselves. In fact, they should be. Women are strong and tough and diligent. We are the foundation upon which the rest of the world is built (because without women, men would not exist). We can be loving and giving but heaven help anyone who tries to manipulate or malign us.

Simply put, I can be (and am) both. I am the sinner and the saint. The angel and the devil. The Madonna and the whore.

Isn't every woman to some degree?

Balance

This morning I lie awake in bed, letting my thoughts wander and drift in between the 9-minute increments of the sleep function on my alarm clock. And what my thoughts ultimately drifted to was a topic I’ve been contemplating for a bit now. Balance. Good and bad. Ying and Yang. Black and white.

A year ago this weekend, I took a major step and told a friend I had more than friend feelings for him. Four months ago next week, I finally cut that man out of my life because it wasn’t healthy for me to be around him. Since then, I’ve done a 180, throwing off my goody-two-shoes tendencies and embracing the wild side I’d repressed (or tried hard to) for five long years in an effort to the be the kind of girl this man wanted. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I’ve done some things and made some decisions in the past four months that maybe haven’t been the best. But I’ve had damn fun doing them and, ultimately, I have learned from them. What I’ve learned is this: that, despite my bad-girl-swirl moments, I am a good girl. That my heart and my body cannot operate independently of each other and still allow me to feel good about, and at peace with, myself. That all things in moderation is good; overindulgence in moments of weakness leads to awkward moments and epic fails.

And I know that somehow, there is a balance between who I was attempting to be and who I truly am deep inside. What I need to do is stop trying to be someone I’m not. Stop trying to be the bad girl when I know that my heart will just get bruised. Stop trying to act like the goody-two-shoes when I’m really not. I need to let the woman inside me out. I need to be calm and still and listen to the voice inside me, my voice, telling me what I truly want and need. And recognize that sometimes, what I want in a moment and what is in my best interest might not be the same thing. In those moments, I need to be brave and in touch with myself and walk away.

Balance is manifesting itself in other areas of my life: work and school, volunteer and play/work-out time. I’m eating well and splurging every so often. Balance. It’s there, so close I can almost taste it. Just a few more steps…

Thanks Uncle Sam

Buying a house? Best decision ever...for a multitude of reasons, the least not being the sweet tax refund that is supposed to be deposited in my checking account Feb. 12. Now, how do I spend that refund? I'm thinking on this:

And this:

This is adorable, but not sure I can pony up the $98 for it at anthropologie:

Definitely want these for my master bath:

Oh, and not to mention half of my wish list on amazon.com, a plane ticket to Birmingham, Alabama, and a park hopper pass to Disneyland. I might even splurge on a new set of pots and pans, lighting for the Word Room, and a star pendant for the entry way. :)

Uncle Sam rocks!! Today.